Check out the new essay released exclusively on denisleary.com!
IF THEY HAD THE INTERNET DURING DR. FRANKENSTEIN’S TIME
BY DENIS LEARY
TRANSYLVANIA, GERMANY Sept 3, 1808 (Associated Press)
A giant walks amongst us. Or stumbles, to be more precise.
Dr. Hans Frankenstein announced yesterday the successful completion of his first brain transplant. Surgically placing the brain of the recently deceased Abigail Normahl into the body of the former Heineken Hitler High School wrestling star Darfk Hindkwarterkruzcsher, the celebrated medical talent has produced a startling regenerated specimen.
“He stands almost eight feet tall and has a tad bit of trouble with his stride when walking,” Dr. Frankenstein explained this morning. “He often has to keep his rather large arms extended away from his body to maintain his balance - but otherwise is the sweetest human being I have ever had the pleasure to know.” The Good Doctor says this experiment could be the beginning of a rigorous era of transplant therapy that may in fact lead to cures for cancer, polio, shingles and even the common cold. Several medical experts from around the globe have cited the experiment as an incredible breakthrough, including celebrated scientist Ernst Einstein who said “Within months we may be able to use this method to alter the parts of the brain that cause the urge toward violence, overeating, sloth, envy - this may eradicate all seven deadly sins forever.”
Dr. Frankenstein wishes to explain the odd appearance and certain tendencies his experimental subject may present. “The brain we chose to implant is, shall we say, a tad bit below the average intellect,” the doctor says. “I see that now as very beneficial because it allows us to take our time in terms of developing the process - baby steps, if you will.”
He also pointed out a couple of behavioral difficulties for his medical marvel. “He’s very timid and yet quite approachable - but I would ask that people who may come across he and I to please refrain from shouting at him or lighting matches in his presence. Like many of us, he does not like fire and he finds loud voices to be quite irritating.”
The next step for this massive ‘man’? “He wants to learn how to dance.” Slowly, we presume.
LEAVE COMMENTS BELOW. COMMENTS (735):
cuteyEye@hotmail.com--Hah! Another crackpot with another crackpot idea! I’ve heard some crazy ides but this one takes the cake. Let me guess - pretty soon we’ll also be traveling around in horse carts that have no horses and run on some kind of magical fluid. And soon after that, men will learn to fly!
steinFine05--this moron needs to realize - nobody cares. every other decade or so some imbecilic practitioner of medicine or science starts to talk about some form of cure-all that will one day put an end to all diseases and plagues and illness - in this case, apparently - even mankind’s own propensity for sin. leave us be. we do not need nor desire to have our hopes dashed again.
MotherCountryJosef99--Jews. All Jews. This will come to no good end!
BiergartenKing--This asshole and his ‘monster’ can kiss my hard working German ass. I’m down at the foundry all day pounding out stone tablets to pave the streets his monster wanders on and he has the audacity to ask me not to raise my voice? If I see this guy and his monster sidekick I’m gonna scream at the top of my lungs.
revwarvet--who the hell are these two to tell us what to do or not to do when we see them out in public. i’ll light a match any goshdarn time i feel like lighting a goshdarn match dagnabbit i didn’t move here from america after beating the british to be told what the hell i can and can’t do when i’m outside or inside.
Bratvurst77--This filthy madman is only stirring up Satan’s ashes! He doesn’t want us to light a match? I say we light a torch! Hundreds of torches! He must believe he is God and I can guarantee you he is not since I speak with God every single morning when I awake! Burn him and his monster!
CindyCutiePie--this monster sounds so big and strong! is he single i wonder?
MonsterGirl--I’ve seen him out and about - he’s very very handsome. His grunts are very very sexy. And the doctor is cute too!
KillTheJews--Kill the dirty jew basterd und hiz dirrty jeww freek!
bloodlover--does enyone no wear i can c this monster - how big is his nek?
fatballslim--i sit here all day and eat and type into my laptop and read and eat and therefore i have acces to all informatio in the world AS IT HAPPENS and i kwickly reeact to it and type my opinyun in to here and on my blog and i say screw him and the monster and anyone who tries anything different who the hell do thees people think they are stay home and stop and mind yore own bizness and stop it.
InternetHanz--SO TRUE FATBALL - I LOVE YOUR BLOG - THE ONE ABOUT WHY DOESN’T THIS DOCTOR GUY INVENT MORE CHEESE INSTEAD OF MONSTERS WAS SO TRUE!!!!!!
Conservodude--these liberals are the reason we have so many problems in this country with their insane ideas and attempts to ‘better’ our world etc etc i say we all gather down at the center of town with torches and bullhorns and put an end to all of this
fatballslim--i agree! altho i can’t leave he house as i am so large and so busy but i will be with you in spirit!
InternetHanz--KILL THEM!
fatballslim--eat them!
Conservodude--burn them!
KillTheJews--Don’t eat them if zey r Jewish! Zey will infect your soulz.
JOJO88--They are differnt! They mst die!
GardenGirl--If you are setting them on fire and planning a march of some sort in the village please do not tread on the many roses and other beautiful flowers the Beautification Committee and I have spent the last month planting and perfecting please? And there is no smoking in the Committee offices - Eva and Svenka are both allergic. Thank you.
TorchBoy--I have torches. Where do we meet and when.
TOWNHALLTOM--I will remind you that the summer curfew is in effect - no noise in the village after 11 0’clock p.m. Therefore permits for burning, maiming, killing and barbecuing will need to be applied for and administered beforehand.
BIGJim--those flowers r ugly und so are u and eva is fat and the mosnter is gay an the doktr is a jew
TorchBoy--Eva sucks.
Anonymo--They r all ugly and fat inclding bigjim who sucks
Anonymo--Torchboy too
TorchBoy--You wanna burn too asshole?
Anonymo--Bring it on faggot jew bastrd
TorchBoy--I’m not a jew
BIGJim--anonymo i no who u r
Anonymo--Scum jew fat fag
BIGJim--Die!
TorchBoy--BURN!
BikeOhMike--Does anyone now where I ken buy a used bike for ryding in the mowntuns?
Scilla98--The spelling on this site is absolutely atrocious! Consult a dictionary!